A Letter For Tito..

[jujubiiird]

How have you been up in heaven? It has been 4 months since we burried you out on the patio. I thought I would write you because I had a dream that Piña (she's new, you never met her) was squawking like mad back in the room. I ran back and opened the door and there you were, sexing it up with Mr. Bear... It was a lovely dream, you would have enjoyed it more than I did.

I miss you every day, the way you would tangle yourself between my feet when I was walking down the hall...the way you would almost make me trip over you in the kitchen(because you sat behind me while I was cooking), I miss your lingering presence watching me eat my lunch, the way you would slide your paw slowly over the tablecloth, like you thought I couldn't see it. But what I miss the most is being trapped on the couch with you on my tummy for hours. Napping in the game room, the way you would scratch the door when you wanted in, and cry if I didnt open the door for you. I miss the way you ran so quickly, but how your body was completely still...only your legs moving rapidly, the chime of your bell when you ran to us. When I opened a yogurt and you came running to lick the lid. I miss how worried we were when you fought with the dogs, but you always won.

How many sandwiches did you steal from the kitchen table? How many times did you get up on the table and make off with a slice of ham? You loved ham, and cheese. You were such a joy and a pleasure to care for, even when you misbehaved..even when as toward the end you couldnt control where you went potty...thank you for living so long like you did. 11 years, my wonderful fighting street cat.

Thank you for fighting your hardest and living a year when they only gave you 3 months. I still dont know how you contracted cancer...you wouldve lived 10 years more without it, I'm sure.

I also wanted to say I am sorry. I'm sorry that I couldnt take your pain away, that I just couldnt make myself let you suffer. I couldnt watch you dying and do nothing. I'm sorry I killed you, that it was my choice to bring you to the vet, that I had the exact ammount of money in my wallet to pay for the procedure, that when you reached out for me and wanted comfort as she injected you...I couldnt hold you. I couldn't make her stop. I could only stroke you until you fell into a deep sleep, and slipped away...you fought until the end...I think you knew what I took you there for. I'm sorry, a thousand sorry's wont give you back your life...

I will never forget you, I'll never forget the choice I had to make...the smell of the black plastic bag the vet gave me to carry you in (it makes me sick now, that horrible rubbery smell), the warmth of your body..even though it held no more life...how your soft pink paws turned eerily white. I wrapped you in a white pillow case, and we burried you out in the patio; with Manolo, Scrappy, and Rocky. The tears wouldnt stop falling, the pain&shame wont ever leave me, I'll never forget what it felt like to lose you.

Frolick in heaven, catch all the birds and mice you like(no one to tell you it's bad now).

I hope I can meet you again, don't forget me, please forgive me, until then...

Chao mi cosita querida, nunca te olvidaremos. Estoy siempre pensando en ti, buscandote cuando estoy caminando, Te veo en todo. Te quiero. Te extraño. Duermate en paz. Nos vemos en el cielo, mi angelito.

[Marianne Marlow]

What a lovely letter, rest in peace Tito

[milliej]

That is a wonderful tribute to a 'street' cat, he is now pain free and no longer suffering. Although it's very hard it's a privilege to be able to help our little friends feline, dog, bird or whatever, to leave this world quickly and quietly instead of in prolonged pain and stress. [']

[jujubiiird]

Thank you for your kind words... It felt better to write it out to him and tell him how I feel. I havent told anyone about the guilt I feel...although if people mention even his name I have to keep from crying. I thought that euthanasia was a soft and quick process.. But he fought against the medicine for over 2 hours. The Vet was confused as to why the normal dosage wouldnt work, and had to inject him a total of 5 times before he settled in...

He reached out for me with his paws, the way he looked at me...he tried to climb up my body to escape it..maybe I am just projecting my feelings on him..but it seemed from the very time we entered the Veterinary Office, he was fighting. (It was unusual for him to fight and scratch at the nurse, he was always compliant and docile with them)

I know there was no other choice. He would've been suffering too much to let him go on. He had Nose Pad cancer. It had eaten up his face...the day he went to heaven...it was a horrible day for him. But he still fought to live. I just, I cant forget his struggle.

I know it is selfish of me, I miss him for me, want him here with me, I know he is in a better place now, and he isnt suffering anymore..that at least is comforting.

He was tough, really tough, but the sweetest cuddler you couldve ever met. Could scare a dog with his glare, threw his head back to hiss at them like a lion roaring. Was there to defend our other cat when strays wandered in(even though she despised him and his helping), was there to sit with you when you felt lonely. He was uglier than a sack of rocks..at the end, but he was still beautiful...and he reeked of garbage sometimes..but I would still hold him..

I could talk about him for ages, but I will leave it there...that describes him the best way.

Sorry if this is horribly depressing. It's the first time I've talked about him since he passed.

[Marianne Marlow]

It's not selfish of you to miss him and what you did, was with kindness, you could not stand for him to suffer.

I have "helped" two birds to go to sleep and although it hurt, I know it was the right thing to do, as do you with Tito.