The Extension - Part 2

[Learner]

Not sure where to begin... ........a long story as usual

The good news:

The extension has a roof and the flight is in place. After a long period of inactivity in the aviary things are moving again.

The sad news:

My mother had a fall, was taken off to A&E, op the next day to pin her hip but she suffered post-operative delirium so was confused and refusing to eat despite my efforts to help and encourage her.

She passed away eleven days later a few hours after I left her to sleep and said good-night. Hospital acquired pneumonia. I missed the call to my mobile from the hospital so wasn't there with her when she slipped peacefully away. Looking back, I am sure I noticed her breathing change as she closed her eyes that evening.... I thought no more about it at the time but I should have known. I left about 7:30 

The funeral done (a service by the local vicar that my mother would have been pleased with), the flock of relatives dispersed after an afternoon tea at one of our poshest hotels on the edge of town. The crematorium was packed. Good to see friends who bothered. Now the formalities being dealt with - the usual cancelling utilities and informing authorities. I'm getting there. The Will sent off to my dear sibling (joint executor) - awaiting a reply of some sort or other.

Ignoring the moans / messages from a niece that she was told she and her sisters would be getting one of Nan's rings each.... instead all the Will says each will receive a lump sum of money. Not sure what she thinks I can do about the content of the Will. She needs to take that up with a higher authority!! The usual sensitive, caring attitude from the other side of my family.

But: The good news... My mother made it comfortably through to the age of 96 and in her own home environment where she wanted to be. Despite loosing my father in 2013 and several short illnesses she coped well and lived long enough to see the first of her great-grandchildren born. She will be happy to be with my father again... her Faith was strong. 

I do feel guilty about her fall as I wasn't there at 4 in the morning to keep her safe. I had been there at 1am, again at 2am when she had decided to get up - I went over to check she was ok. I offered to stay the night (as I often did particularly when she was unwell) but she told me she would be fine and could push her button if she needed me. I went home to sleep. Not a lot of help.... I could so easily have decided to stay.

Then days later, I missed the hospital's phone call at 8:30pm. I arrived home from the hospital, left my bag in the conservatory and set off to feed the birds across the road at my mother's place. At 3:30 in the morning before going up to bed I picked up my phone then saw the missed call. I rang..... they gave me the news.

Something I will have to live with........ I did try my best to keep her safe. No one blames me and everyone has been very kind but I'm only now just able to write about what happened and a little of how I feel.

Time for my own family and time to myself... The Will to sort out, my mother's possessions to sort out... but I am not rushing despite the pressure from some quarters. Shame they hadn't the same level of interest when a visit would have been so welcomed. Too busy......

Next post will be about the aviary... Sorry to burden you with my news but thought I'd explain where I'd wandered off to again. 

[Hezz]

I am so sorry to hear about your mother, Learner, but as you say, she did live a long and mostly independent life, and I am sure, a happy one for most of that time. It is easy to blame yourself for missing the phone call or not staying, but unfortunately life is life and you are, after all, human. Not that you did make any mistakes, but more like missed opportunities, I would call them.

I don't envy you the sorting of the will, not with the relationship you have with your sister; the worst of people seems to come out once they think they can get their grimy little fingers on something for nothing. So good luck with staying sane during this time. Don't be bullied by the bullies, and don't be pressured to do anything that your mother didn't want. Take care, and good luck. xx

[samwiseg]

I am so so sorry to hear your news Learner my heart goes out to you and your family xx

And I totally understand about having to deal with the aftermath of "admin" issues as at a time when you would think a family needs to be close they can prove to be..well...lets say a change of behaviour occurs which is very sad.

Your mum was one in a million and to get to the age of 96 is no mean feat and no doubt a testament to you as you cared for her. So PLEASE dont beat yourself up or blame yourself for things that were completely out of your control!

She knew you were there, always, forever and even now love and hugs to you xx

[jellybean]

I am so sorry to hear your sad news Learner. If we could turn the clock back I'm sure we would all do things differently, don't beat yourself up. You were a good Son, be proud of that fact.

[milliej]

Your mother is now at peace learner so it will be a blessed relief for her with no more pain or suffering but for you who now have to grieve and handle dear knows what.....I offer my sincere prayers for strength to cope and God's love and comfort for you in the coming weeks and/or months.
You couldn't have done any more from what I've read in your posts, you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about, God bless and keep you strong and safe as you face the next phase of your life without the responsibility of having to care for your mum.

Glad the extension to the flight is going along well and that you have your little budgie buddies to care for and help you as they tweet and chirp to brighten your day. [']

[feathers]

So sorry for your loss, hope all the sorting out goes smoothly for you, sending healing thoughts x

[Shirls]

Sympathies, love and hugs to you Learner.

[ffiscool]

i am SO sorry to read about your mother.. As the others have said, there is no way you can feel bad or to blame for anything.. You kept her going, I have no doubt, than otherwise she might have.. And you were with her SO much, that you could not have been there 24/7. The fact she went peacefully is lovely to know, and she knew how much you cared about her.

I have heard, and I do believe this, having been with my stepmother hours before she died last year, that they often wait for us to go. So it may be you wouldn't have been there regardless. She got to an amazing age and sadly as people get older, they do pick up more, or have less ability to fight things off.

Even when my stepmother passed, and the home had rung us all, even though only 10 minutes away, everyone missed it, she had slipped away. So even if you had got the call at the time, you may have missed her.  So do not beat yourself up.. 

Ignore the family.. do things in your own time and if they have a go.. don't let it get to you. Not worth it.

Enjoy your family and you time for a bit, take time to really get over it all and great re the birds btw

[Learner]

Thank you all so much for taking time to respond and for your kind words. I often feel a bit of a whimp as there are many people, carers, family and otherwise who cope with far more than I have ever done without resulting to needing to pass their worries on to others....... But it does help having someone to share it with. Thank you again.

---

The Budgies:

The budgies are doing well. Both hens and cock birds (all 15 of them including last year's chicks) are reunited in the original flight for the warmer days. No squabbles, feeding well and behaving brilliantly. Looking pretty good too. They seem tamer of late.

Seeding grasses, loads of chickweed, slices of cucumber and grated carrot as well as the flight window frame have all been enjoyed as part of their seasonal diet!

When I have time (and providing my old compooter is co-operative) I will post a couple of photos to show how things are progressing. Still slowly (as is typical of me).

One thing slows the extension build is not knowing what will happen to the bungalow where the aviary is. Presently it is full of my mother's property. We would both like to keep it but may have to resort to selling it. So... it's a go gradually before putting any more money into the place. We'll see. Our garden at home is too small to relocate the aviary there.

PS The birds seems to be thoroughly enjoying these damp June days. How about yours?

[Hezz]

That must be a worry; does that mean that the budgies might have to be relocated, or would you be able to sell off the bungalow only?

[milliej]

If budgies are left in an aviary and they breed with their siblings or parents, would that cause birth defects as it can in dogs (or any species I would imagine?)

Hope sorting your mom's things out goes well Learner, it can be very difficult, especially with other family members disagreeing or 'interfering'!. My friends sister never visited their mom but boy when she passed, she came around quick enough.....

[suesbird]

So sorry for you Learner, these things happen when we don't expect them, I was told by someone that one thing a mother does not want is to let her children see her pass away. Funny how they have been fine all day,we are told to go home they are not in danger and then you get the phone call. The same happened with my mum.

Well we will not mention families and wills either.

Take time to grieve and don't rush it, time heals.

Hope everything turns out for the best for you and the buds.

[Learner]

Jun 26, 2016 1:11:10 GMT Hezz said:

That must be a worry; does that mean that the budgies might have to be relocated, or would you be able to sell off the bungalow only?

Quite a lot has happened and it feels quite a bit of time has past since my last post but....... the budgies are staying put and the aviary is safe for a few months at least. My son will be moving into the bungalow so I can actually get on with the extension once things settle down.

I was not sure what would happen but, unexpectedly, my son needs to move so.... the solution seemed straight forward.

More later. Hope all is well with everyone on the forum. I will take time out from packing, sorting, listing and getting everything valued....and read through the boards asp.

[Learner]

Doesn't time fly!!

News update:

• The aviary is safe - my son moved into the bungalow across the road and has settled in so I get to keep the aviary!!
• The new flight is gradually taking shape - has a plastic corrugated roof and door-frame fitted
• The wood-work is painted to match the other flight
• Next job is to add wire mesh to the back of the flight and double mesh to the front and end
• Finally a small new indoor flight cage needs to be built for the new outdoor flight

Weeks have drifted by - I am still not mentioning Wills & Probate and my sibling but it really is taking an age to sort out. A nightmare due to the "help" (?)

In the meantime - "We" are enjoying the warmer days and sunshine as well as a constant supply of all sorts of fresh foods from the vegetable patch. Favourites so far the summer have been chickweed in flower,beetroot leaves and stems and cool juicy slices of greenhouse cucumber. Earlier in the year seeding grasses provided a great deal of excitement and fun.

Hoping the warmer days stay with us a few weeks longer so I have time to cut and tack the 30 metres of mesh into place, build another safety door, wire mesh the back of the new lean-to cover that the new flight sits under.

Eventually I will upload some photos onto a web-host and plonk a few on here.

In the meantime - great to read the recent posts and threads.  Wishing you all well.

[jellybean]

Look forward to seeing pictures of the new flight Learner. Remember to get a deck chair out, enjoy the good weather, and get some time to yourself to relax, you deserve it.
I'm really pleased your Son has decided to stay in the bungalow and you get one less thing to worry about.
Take care.