Handling the grief of a loss

[magpie]

Hey gang. As mentioned elsewhere, I lost my (almost) 13 year old Charlie last weekend. I've worked from home the entire time I had him since he was 4 months old so I he had been a near-constant companion for half of my adult life. 

I've been doing OK, tears come and go, but I have been finding it especially tough doing various routine things throughout the day where I would normally have him at my side but which are now noticeably done without him. For example, I'd often have him out playing next to me whilst working. I've had some luck with getting out of the house and going somewhere for half a day when being at home has felt a bit too tough (like yesterday, which marked a week since he passed) but obviously I need to work so that isn't going to be an option much of the time.

I don't have his ashes yet and I have ordered a crystal cube with his image laser-engraved inside in 3D to put in my work space so these things will probably help somewhat but I was just curious, how have you dealt with the loss of an extremely bonded-with feathered friend or other animal?

[Loz]

magpie the only way is to go through it. Accept that your grieving is going to be hard and is going to go on for longer than you'd like. It's going to flair up, especially when doing something that reminds you of your friend.

That said, also accept that your grief will become less hard-edged over time. It won't feel like it does now forever. It will never disappear but it will become manageable.

Stepping out of the house is good. If you can establish brand new routines, that's also good. WFH has its advantages and its disadvantages, you might benefit from some new sort of pursuit that takes you outdoors in a fun way.

You've not mentioned whether you will bring a new budgie into the house. Is this unthinkable or something you're considering?

[magpie]

Thank you. No, no plans for another budgie or any other pets.

[criswell]

I still feel the loss of all the pets I've had but I've found 2 loses especially difficult. I found it very tough when my budgie Criswell died. I cried a lot and had a lot of trouble sleeping. I tried to keep busy during the day but he was all I could think about when it was time to sleep. His cage mate was very upset about the loss too so I spent as much time with him as I could be it broke my heart to hear him calling for his friend. But we coped and it got easier, and after a few months I found a new cage mate for my budgie.

It was differently difficult when my rabbit died. She was eleven years old and for the last 2 years of her life she needed daily medicine for arthritis. After she died I found it really difficult around medicine time, and when it was time to get her in at night. I miss the little 'chats' we used to have every evening when I fed her some greens before shutting her in for the night, and I missed getting up eary to let her out in the morning. Again, keeping busy really helped, especially around the times I would normally be doing something for her. I still sometimes at dusk think I should be putting her back in her hutch and it's almost 2 years since she died.

I've found that looking at photos and videos can help, but often I've not been able to do that too soon as it just upset me too much. It does get easier over time but I do still miss all my pets. They were all such amazing friends.

[sweetpea]

I agree with what has already been said, particularly when loz says that "your grief will become less hard-edged over time". Also, criswell's observation about it being "differently difficult" according to each pet is spot on.

For me, I find that if their passing was peaceful, or even viewed as a blessing (if they were suffering), then the grief moves quicker into kinder thoughts of the joy they brought. If their passing was not so straightforward, there is an element of injustice, or what-if's, the grief is more difficult & painful to get through.

Certainly, I still grieve for my past birds & think of them often. Of them all, there are only two passings of which I have no painful thoughts: Atilla (peaceful passing at home, in my hand, surrounded by her friends) & Bezukhov who, amazingly, communicated to me (I don't know how), that it would be okay to be pts - he'd had enough.

[Marianne Marlow]

I have had a lot of birds pass (look at my signature)

Two for me were particularly tough. Lilek, because I not only had to have him pts, but he was hand tame and by my side a lot of the time.
But more recently, Hector. He was almost 11 years old when he passed and he used to sit with me for a lot of the day. For years I would eat my dinner with a spoon or my hands because Hector was perched on my left hand.
He passed in late 2019 and I still think of him sometimes and cry. I have so many what ifs. If I had known he would pass so suddenly then I would have spent more time with him, but I had a 6 month old baby at the time that also relied on me, so I may have missed the signs.

I also agree with this from sweetpea above
"I agree with what has already been said, particularly when Lozhinge says that "your grief will become less hard-edged over time". Also, criswell's observation about it being "differently difficult" according to each pet is spot on."

The pain will fade slightly, but always be there. The memories of good times do help a bit. But try not to get into looking at the photos of Charlie too much, I find I can go down a black hole when I do this and spend entire days feeling sad.

Be kind to yourself.

[ladybird]

I have tried endless times to comment on the loss of your Charlie but found myself in tears every time.. it takes me back to when we lost our beloved Cavilier dog who we lost four years ago. It is only recently that I have been able to watch videos and photos without weeping. We have her ashes and I say goodnight to her every night. Of course we have our gorgeous budgie Charlie the chatterbox and he is definitely a little character and 3 1/2 now. As a lot of you know he has been really poorly since April , so a real worry to me. But at the moment he is doing well…..
So I am not being a lot of help. But having Charlie’s ashes will help you a lot and yes it will take time for you to grieve …….If it was me, would I get another budgie….yes most definitely. A little feathered friend that needs your love …..not to replace your beloved Charlie, because they couldn’t possibly do that. A little budgie that would be going to a wonderful Mummy. Yes XXXX

[Marianne Marlow]

Or in this case a great Daddy

[ladybird]

Sorry magpie…..yes a great Daddy 🤭

[jellybean]

Like ladybird, I'm finding this thread a tad difficult to comment on.

I don't think you ever get over the loss of a beloved pet....The pain just gets easier.

I miss my two boys EVERY day, Charlie & Max, and can still cry when I think of them.

When Charlie passed I never had/knew about this wonderful forum, I wish I had.

Take every day as it comes magpie, but also take great comfort from the bond you shared with your gorgeous little boy 💙
A bond that will be forever unbroken.

Take care of yourself.

[magpie]

Thanks everyone. I must say that the biggest help I've found so far is having a network of people who have also lost beloved pets in the past, having people who just know what you're going through and not feeling like you have to explain your grief is a real gift.

I finally got his ashes home today, he's in his corner where his cage sat in the lounge (the casket will go behind his photo, normally). I thought I'd find it a bit more emotional than I have thus far, immediately I've found it more comforting than anything.

[ladybird]

That is so beautiful…he is home with you now 💙.     Of course, you have made me cry once again 🥹

[Hezz]

That is beautiful, magpie.

My experiences have been most similar to sweetpea’s. Those who were suffering, there was a certain amount of relief that they finally were at peace and not suffering any more. But with that comes all the “could I, should I”’s where we try to second guess what should have been the best thing for them. I’ve lost mine through tumours and seizures rather than old age which seems totally unfair, and bonds strengthen between you with the care-giving in every case.

Time helps, and I have always found it to be easier to have another being to need to focus on - someone/something else that needs your attention for their own well-being. It makes you move your focus forward, not be stuck in the rut of thinking of how things used to be. The presence of other birds has always helped me with this.

[louises]

I'm so sorry that you've lost Charlie. I also work at home, and can't even begin to imagine what it would be like without Georgie's ever constant presence here. For that reason, I too have been finding it difficult to comment until now.

I had to smile though, at your story of buying Charlie, as I had a similar experience with Georgie. I had intended to get a green budgie, then I saw this little flash of blue shoot across the aviary, and that was it! I couldn't take my eyes off her.

I know you miss Charlie terribly at the moment, but I hope that the memories provide some comfort. I think Charlie was a very lucky little bird, you shared a special bond and you gave him a great life.

[lemonora]

I’ve been trying to get myself to post my experience but it’s extremely difficult
I can’t even begin to imagine how you must feel
Im so sorry that you’re going through this much pain
Losing your best buddy after all these years is just heart shattering I can’t find the words

I just lost one of my birds around 4 months ago, first time I lose a bird, I’ve had him for over 3 years and he was In poor health, so it was expected, but still so painful I can’t even express it, he died on my chest, I felt his last breath and it BROKE me, I still cry and can’t look at his pictures, the pain did get a little less intense but is still there, I don’t think it will ever go away, just like all the others said, but I can easily say that it was the worst pain and sadness I’ve ever felt, I still have two birds, one of them is my best friend and he doesn’t just own my heart HE actually IS my heart, and I can’t even think about losing him.

As you said that this forum and the people here helped me so much through it all, having a great support system who understand exactly how it feels, is very helpful, and as Hezz said, having my other birds helped me focus on them not on the pain , I kept telling myself that they need me and I have to be strong for them, it helped a lot

I hope you find some sort of comfort knowing that he had a great life with you and that he was extremely loved, that is the best gift ever,

I hope you feel better soon and learn to live with that pain as a part of your life because you will never forget him so it’s here to stay
But be happy that you actually got the chance to experience such a great bond and love that many people never even get close to, so it’s a blessing actually

I hope I helped, and I hope you feel better soon